If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
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