We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i think my mom watched the whole time
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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