when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
