Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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