Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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