I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
