I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
