How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
