I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
you guys were way drunker than both of me
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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