Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
