Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
