I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
