we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
