This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
