clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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