I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
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