I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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