I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
