yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize