don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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