Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
