So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
