i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Boobs speak an international language.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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