At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
