I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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