It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
