I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
