thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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