One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
