I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Randomize
