i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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