I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
