A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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