hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
