Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
