You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
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