My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
