READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
