I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
