a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize