SEEEEXXX PLEASE
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
