i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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