don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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