hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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