Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
