Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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