woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
