the condom got lost in my hair
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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