Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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