I think im going to throw up on grandma
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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