I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
