You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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