i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
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