I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
