my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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