i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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