ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
