i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize