when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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