Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
