so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
