in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
